Elegy to my mother by Connie McX

When they flow they take sorrow with them. But not all the sorrow goes with the first flow. There may be a lot of sorrow left.

 In which case there could be more tears. They are for the mother from the girl. 

Even though the mother didn’t know how to nurture, the girl still misses her. 

The girl is surprised. 

She didn’t know the sorrow would get to her in the way it has.

 She now knows she has no mother to talk to.

 She cannot talk to the mother.

 She cannot see the mother. 

Sometimes she feels all alone, and then remembers that she felt that way growing up too. 

It is hard to lose, and thankfully the elixir of tears can take some of the sorrow each time they flow.

Probably little by little thinks the girl.

The girl wants the tears to flow, to relieve some of the sadness.

 But the girl fears tears. 

Her prayer is:

Just not to drown in them please

_______________________________________________________

The girl sat by the mother’s bedside, holding her hand. The girl wished that she could talk to the mother and tell her everything she was thinking. But even when the mother was lucid and could comprehend sentences she could never have comprehended what the girl wanted to tell her.

The mother simply didn’t have the emotional capacity to relate to anybody else’s needs or reality. The girl wishes she could tell the mother that, but the mother always made an excuse to keep herself in the right. The girl felt very frustrated, sad, and even angry. She kept thinking why this mother? Why did I get this mother? And yet here she was right by the bedside of the dying mother. Some atavistic instinct told her to be there no matter how she felt

The girl remembered that once, when the mother was manipulating her, and talking about problems that all the offspring had, she had said oh I wonder why I ever had children. The girl responded inauthentically by saying you did the best you could. Today the girl knows she would want to say yeah why did you.

The girl never had the courage to stand up to the mother. The mother was very controlling and narcissistic. But once the girl thought of murdering the mother because the mother did something so hurtful the girl did not know how else to respond. The girl knew she couldn’t do that, but the thought was there.

The girl had flown in from another state to see her newborn niece. And the mother was very cruel to her at that time. The mother just needed people around to give her attention, to worship and adulate her. The mother never cared what anyone else felt. Because narcissistic people perceive that everyone else is an extension of themselves, and there are no different thoughts or feelings than theirs. and narcissistic people never believe they can do anything wrong. If anything’s wrong it’s always somebody else’s fault. All that was very helpful for the girl to know but it still didn’t eradicate the pain the mother had caused.

The girl hopes the mother will die soon. It is very exhausting to do a deathbed vigil. and yet once that happens there will be no possibility of her ever having a mother. Even though intellectually the girl knows that the mother had no capacity for nurturing, in her heart she still yearns.

The girl wonders if the yearning will ever be satisfied. Or if she will decide to go the same way the mother goes. Off the earth and out of her body. Away from the pain.